My body craves movement.
It always has. And there’s only been a couple other times in my life that I can remember when my physical ability has limited my movement so much that I have felt nearly empty because I cannot do what it seems my body needs the most. This is one of those times in my life.
I haven’t had the urge to just run for fitness in quite some time and last week when I was on a walk, that seemed to be all my body wanted to do, yet I held back. One of my great uncle’s always used to say that from the time I was walking, I was running. Mostly it was to catch up with the older kids before I knew how to ride a bike, but it was also just because you can get places so much quicker if you run rather than walk. And it feels really good to me—freeing, child-like, empowering, physical, fun.
As many of you know, I had pretty much given up all other forms of regular traditional exercise, as it just didn’t serve me at the time or my yoga practice, and that is what feeds my body and soul the most. I would still walk regularly and bike—weather- and family-permitting. I’d occasionally pick up my kettlebells or go for a run, but my intentional physical movement was primarily coming from my practice. And I didn’t have a desire to do much more because it was meeting my needs physically, mentally, & spiritually.
Throughout this pregnancy I have been reminded that my body needs more. Walking 3-5 miles as many times a week as I could helped tremendously during most of my pregnancy, but I have now backed that down to 1-2 miles as my body allows as often as I can.
But I need more.
In fact, the thought even crossed my mind a short while ago that I may want to train for Dam to Dam again this year (for those of you who aren’t familiar, this is a half marathon…yep, 13.1 miles of running). I have had no desire to do such a thing in quite a few years, but my body is so deficient in its physical ability to move freely right now that it’s making my brain go to the extreme. Who knows, it may be a passing desire, but at this time it is a real thought.
My practice is definitely not fulfilling my movement needs. It is so modified right now because of both my thoracic outlet syndrome and the challenge it presents to my body to just do some of the postures with the extra weight and baby that I’m carrying on my front side, that it’s hard to believe it even benefits me.
I can tell it does, so I still practice.
I am grateful for this challenge because it has allowed me to have a unique perspective on the practice and how differently clients could potentially experience the sequence. So I do what I can to supplement with additional movement, but even that is not enough for what my body really wants and needs. And at 40 weeks pregnant, there is really nothing I can do to remedy my situation except to hopefully deliver a baby soon.
Yoga is a process of learning your own body & mind and what it needs at the various times in your life.
It’s not just the physical act of movement; it’s what you can take away from it and use in your interactions with others and your own self. Right now this is one of my biggest challenges, because without the movement that my body wants and needs, I struggle with maintaining the positive qualities within myself that it brings out. That little voice inside my head that goes against every Adamantine® Yoga tenet I believe in—Integrity, Non-violence, Surrender, & Gratitude—pushes its way to the surface and I find myself forgetting these characteristics far too easily. And the people it impacts most are my family and my own inner being.
So yes, I’m ready to have this baby and begin to regain some normalcy of who I am. Do I want to have a delivery/C-section scheduled for me? Absolutely not. But at this point, it appears that that is God’s plan for us once again.
I have a picture in my mind’s eye of what it looks like for me to be vital, strong, & active. What is looks like for me to be focused, joyful & fulfilled once again. Thriving.
I can’t explain the desire within me to be active; it’s just something that has always come naturally and almost instinctively. This may also be why I need yoga so much…to slow my busy body and look inward. And hopefully soon I will be able to fulfill this longing deep inside of me to be able to move freely and naturally once again in whatever form of movement makes my heart sing.